Choose Your Own Adventure 1: Navaux and Citizen Ma’am

Author’s note: Warning, we be getting all interactive up in this hiz-ouse.

“I feel like a dork.” He shifted restlessly from foot to foot.

She frowned and straightened his hat. “You spent all afternoon watching Babylon 5 and making a Dungeons and Dragons character. Pretty sure you are a dork.”

He shook his head slowly, trying not to dislodge the hat, and looked her in the eye. “It was a Pathfinder character. Similar, but different. And Brand Skullsplitter rocks, by the way. And personally, I say, consider this birthday seized.”

“I say, point proven: you are such a dork.” She nodded sagely and grinned. “And this is your birthday present, so shut the fuck up and enjoy it or I’ll haul you out to a friend’s house and make you play Rock Band, engage in small talk, and eat store bought cake.”

He stood in a tri-corner hat with ridiculous feathers sprouting from every angle. He was pretty sure she had gone back to a vintage clothing store to buy it, and the frock coat was equally ridiculous. His shirt was more frills than shirt, and the leg tights bunched against his skin and chafed. His actual pants ended at the knees, and somehow made him feel like an old man visiting a deeply foreign country in the summer.

She looked him over critically, then nodded. “Okay, that’ll have to do. I couldn’t find shoes I liked in your size. Although I found two pairs I liked, so the trip wasn’t a total waste.”

“Shoes? What exactly are we doing?” He shifted, trying to keep the tights from riding into the crack of his ass.

She picked up a clipboard and beamed. “I’m so glad you asked. For your birthday, I have made you a choose your own adventure game.” She cleared her throat dramatically, and made a sweeping stage bow. “As you know, the French Revolution was a period of radical social and political upheaval in France from 1789-1799. Many people were executed by the guillotine during what became known as the Reign of Terror. In this adventure, you are a French nobleman, and I am Citizen Ma’am. Your goal is to avoid losing your head.”

She peered up over the clipboard with her best “teacher gaze” to see if he was taking it seriously. He frowned slighly and nodded back to her. “Losing my head, Citizen Ma’am?”

She smiled, glad he hadn’t immediately veered off into a Monty Python or Mel Brooks sketch. “Yes, losing your head. If you choose the wrong path on this adventure, you will go to the guillotine, where you will be decapitated. Which in this case will involve a gag in your mouth and a black cloth bag being put over your head. You will have lost your head, you will have lost the game, and you will cease to be a person. At that point I will do whatever I want with your body. Do you understand me? Anything I want to do, I will do. And I have some things in mind. Try to win.”

He bit his lip, and nodded again. “And how do I win?”

She shrugged. “You probably won’t, so I wouldn’t worry too much about it, but there are some positive outcomes for you. You might win my heart and convince me to smuggle you out of the country to England. You might escape on your own and flee to your country estates and ride out the revolution. You might even convince a citizen’s tribunal that you’re loyal to the Republic, and be granted your freedom. Basically, you win by convincing me you shouldn’t lose your head.”

He pulled his hat down firmly, and smiled at her. “Any other rules I should know about Citizen Ma’am?”

She tapped the clipboard with her finger, and pursed her lips. “Only I am allowed to use a French accent. Yours is horrible.”

“Okay. No French accents, and try not to get my head chopped off.”

“You ready to start your adventure?”

He took a deep breath, mentally preparing himself, the awkward, clumsy clothing forgotten. “Thank you. And yes, let’s get started.”

“You’re welcome.” She smiled, cleared her throat, and began to read.

“The Reign of Terror has come to the home of the nobleman Joseph Navaux. While many members of the family fled, the eldest son was captured and brought before the Citizen’s Committee. You are Navaux, and your only hope of surviving is that the committee receive a favorable report from your jailer and interrogator, Citizen Ma’am. You have been placed into a locked cell with guards outside the door, and she has arrived to conduct your interview. You have three options.”

“1. Will you attempt to convince Citizen Ma’am of your loyalty to the Republic?”
“2. Will you attempt to seduce the lovely and vivacious Citizen Ma’am?”
“3. Will you attempt to bribe Citizen Ma’am to smuggle you out of the dungeon?”

Author’s note: So here’s where it gets all interactive and shit. Vote for which choice you’d like Navaux to make in the comments before next Wednesday, and I’ll write whichever choice gets the most votes for the post next Friday. Don’t worry, like 4 people read this blog, so your vote will definitely have an impact. It’ll be “Choose Your Own Adventure Fridays” or something. If no one votes, I’ll probably just move on to something else, but might decide myself. Or write a finish involving a giant asteroid hitting the planet, I dunno. On the other hand, if there’s enough interest, maybe I’ll write up the rest of the storyline options and do a proper full CYOA book out of it. I’m also using this to judge general level of interest in things like books and other side projects I’ve been mulling over, so more votes means a greater likelihood of that happening. Thanks, -V.

Preview: “Good boy. One more…”

Copyright Jerry Jones. Unauthorized use is prohibited.